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Saturday, 12 April 2014

THE PERFECT WORD

What is the word that you think signifies the word, perfect??

well. i had completely no idea what word i would think suit closely or closely resembling the word, perfect.

#NOWPLAYING- Secrets, One Republic

I love the sound of the strings on the violin and the thugging of guitar strings, and something about humming or a repeating harmony. If that could sum up into a word, i would say its perfect.

I guess perfect things are the ones that brings you calmness? I might say the taste of coffee , perfect, the taste every person would lose themselves in. I could say the Killers and Brandon Flower’s voice is perfect, or the moves Channing Tatum make is perfect. Then it all came into a conclusion that, another word close to perfect doesn’t exist. Watching the sunset is perfect, as well…… Or i could manage to see the glacier lights at North Pole , then i guess my life is perfect.

Before i make a bucket list of what i wanted to do before i die… i might as well update you readers on what i had been up to recently.

Well, honestly?

Ok, i wont say anything cheesy that something magical or really really interesting things happened within the few months of my hiatus, cos honetly i dont know what i should write about. nothing special had happen, but as for the amount of sufferings i had been through? TONS. i dont even know where to begin but, i might choose not to even say a single word about the mishaps and, just let bygones be bygones and , i would just hope time can cure everything but thank god i survivied without strangling myself. Or plunging myself with dangerous absurd actions hurting myself.

 

Thank god survived. I thank god everyday for bringing me the few people in my life that adore me and adore the devil inside me, as well as accepting my flaws, and my good points…..

i think i found a word i can say about these few months of hiatus.

NUMB.

I barely feel any emotion running thru my thoughts, but just plain white of numbness of not knowing what to do next. The adrenaline i used to have in planning things ahead or the giddy little girl inside me filled with hopes and dreams… or believing that anything can happen by wishing upon a star had gone.

Gone.

Thanks to numbess.. i barely even recognize the me i was, until now, exactly 2:06am , April 12th, i finally told myself, that i should, find back the old me. Looking thru my previous blog posts, i felt so dumb and just, gosh it just so wasn’t me. Dwelling on all the negative thoughts with not even the slightest positive comments. I am just, tired i think about everything that happen lately… and how the people i met are the ones i would be gladly kill, if only i plan to go to jail But . i felt sorry for the person i was and how my body can carry that distress soul inside my empty vessel , lost in transition.

I felt as if i was lost in somewhere dark beneath my thoughts. Thanks to reality and those treacherous basterds, i lost myself. Halfway through there, God realized and decided to give me a really really painful stab on the back, exactly brutally honest and made me realized the real demons i am dealing with. It wasn’t those group of assholes, it was actually me.

God is telling me that i am the one, i should be dealing, else- i would definitely say goodbye to the person i was before. You see the funny thing of  God is that he always chooses the hard way of exposing the truth. But, thank you God i really treasure your kindness, and … i will change, but, it might take time, not as fast as the bullet train, but still… it takes time to heal and eventually get back on both of my feet once more. …

#NOWPLAYING- A thousand years

Something soothing finally, *hah, i should prolly get some sleep but no, my fingers cant stop hitting hard on the keyboard, no i have to say more, the need to splurge all my emotions into words, feel so much better than crying myself a river that… makes my eyes look like a dead goldfish found dead after a few weeks…. *how bloated i can be* anyways…. i will just say that, nope, i am not as perfect as you can see in my pictures, the girl smiling back into the camera and stuff, i should say that is the best shield i can put on, okay? smiling … seems deceiving but, still, it brings out the best of me, so i might as well lie the whole world that i am living in a perfect world with… which is, untrue,…..

ugh what am i saying now i cant even understand, but … still. I dont know whether, the road i am moving towards to, the path that i had always wanted, it’s like this critical decision whn you decide to turn right or left, or to the path of the unknown where u meet your wildest dreams or your most bewildred desires, yet. all of those, are very very vague, i clearly am still lost. \

it’s like having this reflection of yourself in the mirror yet you cant even tell is it you? or. put it into a even simpler way of saying, is that, AM I THE PERSON I WANTED MYSELF TO BE?

AM I THE PERSON I THINK I WAS??

AM I THE PERSON I DREAMT TO BE AS A CHILD

AM I ?

no

not now .

surely the me right now is the worst, worst image ever, to be reflected upon.

I wonder if i fast forwarded myself into another say 10 years, no, too far. wait, 5 years, after i finish my degree, i guess i cant imagine myself living the life i wanted, having the best thoughts, i guess. ugh.

stop with the guesses already.

please.

get hold of yourself

*yawns

ok . bedtime.

lights off.

x

 

 

Monday, 16 December 2013

the cold never bothered me anyway

yup, my title for this post was stolen from the famous Frozen’s Soundtrack- Let It Go by DEMI LOVATO, she’s one of my favourite disney artists right beside Miley and Hilary Duff .

Anyway… this post is just random because lately I had been in a very very, very hectic week. I wouldn’t want to mention much about it on my blog but just, maybe some more to emotional suffering but , I eventually hurdled through.

I just wish

I can let ALL of it go. N just.. move on but I know its just too impossible because I cant, let all things go and it’s so – irresponsible to just throw everything out and push everyone that cared about me aside. No I just can’t.

deep down im so shattered and so messed up, the mind is too evil to bring me to the darkest places and let me ponder on it/ the mind is sometimes kind enough for me to become mr brightside for a while/ the mind is just too confused on too many things that contradict/ the mind can be so useless….

it’s true, when someone is in his or her darkest times, we would just choose to curl up and don’t even say a single word to anyone-just disappear into the thoughts and be silent for a while. to me, I have turned into a foolish loner- I want to be alone, I want to be in the dark lately. I dislike the sun- lol I am not a vampire bbut—I really, am turning into someone- not like who I USED TO BE.

or . maybe

I am just turning into someone which is more like my true nature
??

the skies are still blue and the grass are all green as usual but . I guess my life turned grayscale. I have nothin to look forward to- only same daily routines and just- go with it.

what is it like to feel happy about?

having pretty hair… having pretty faces with porcelain skin. lol

having someone you like to like you back?

well none of the above suited me.

U see I am not even sure how many true friends I can have in life, let it go with boyfriend. I guess I wouldn’t know how to love someone back because, I didn’t even know how to love myself, properly.

I often neglect myself by doing things that hurt my own body or too lazy to take care of my feelings etc…

I just suck.

Just like the korean movie I watched a while ago while I slacked in the bed-

“I guess I just feel like a spicy soup- with all those ingredients that made me spicy- but they only call me the spicy soup- but not how egg soup with eggs, or beef soup with beef, I am a mixture yet they call me spicy soup- I just hate it.”

 

“ It’s hard to be yourself, when you don’t know who you are.”


William Chapman

well. yeah.

sorry but please let me to be emo for a while I think it is okay for me not to talk to you, it’s okay for me, not to be with you, it’s okay for me- not to be in the world for now. Sorry, please allow me not to – to do – things correctly… allow me … not to be myself… allow me to shut myself from this hectic life.

I can’t take most of the reality- I don’t choose to believe in how wrecked I am… please.

don’t think I can take this all in.

I might just fall apart one day. I wonder someday in the distant possible future- I can be happy. truly happy with the person that I can trust all around me, and I can proudly tell every single one that I am happy inside and out- and no more introvert genes inside my blood. No more…

“Your mind is a garden,
Your thoughts are the seeds;
You can grow flowers,
Or you can grow weeds.”

But to reach that point. Please help me out, god.

Ay. just… help me out. please

2013 had been quite a weird mix of things that I am not even sure that’s happening around me- things didn’t go as they went- things just happen for reasons unknown- things just flow and life just goes as time passes. I don’t have time to stop myself before I drown into the thoughts of mine-

for you reading this now, prolly u don’t even know what my problem is, ahaahah, the truth is, I don’t either- I don’t

I don’t know what turned me into a monster now, I don’t even know HOW WHO OR WHAT- turned me,

it feels like…

you are wearing this truly ravishing elegant dress… standing in a place that people only can look at you afar nobody wanted or dare to approach you, they only laugh at each other’s jokes and do their own silly things that made no sense- while you ONLY WITH SENSES can only stand there and continue to watch their stupidity- when u have no capability in following their stupidity- so u chose to be alone and silent, in this dark corner. forever- alone.

it’s like you r walkin on this never ending escalator that brings you past life and you see things that u don’t like things u wish to change but yet- u cant stop and help them out you can only keep going up – going to a place u didn’t know when it will stop going to somewhere unknown.

I am sorry for all the metaphor but… yeah.

in this life, I wanted to be someone important in somebody’s life. someone that has the affect on their lives- someone that can cause an impact in their lives.. among all the people in the whole wide.. world.. I am sure, someone . I might meet in MY WHOLE LIFE- can have that impact on my life. and I have too, on theirs… till the day come. I guess. I can still wait and pretend that everythin is okay.

everythin

is

ok .

right?

x

 

 

 

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

tis the season wants-

Christmas is coming soon, and its so close and I can feel the mistletoe on the pine trees, filled with hope.

Thanksgiving and black friday just passed, it’s sad to say that Malaysia doesn’t really celebrate xmas as we aren’t a four seasons country….

I just love winters…

but too bad.

Speaking of Xmas…. I do have my wishlist… it’s a like a lust wishlist you keep under your bed, just to motivate you to earn money and do some beauty haul…

Lately I’ve been obsessed with beauty blogs- western or asian, I just love them giving off reviews on mask or anything skin care , I just love it .

nevertheles… after reading tons of reviews.. ive finally come down to a decision to give them a try… But still there’s always a wish list.

#1

Origins Super Spot Remover.

It’s believed to cure blemishes and scary red spots….. My skin has gotten better after for fighting it for more than a year with facial and some few facial recommended brands….

but this is just too tempting given the reviews and many awards it has won !

review by vivianna- HERE

#2

Smarty Plants™ CC SPF 20 Skin complexion corrector

 

Origins Smarty Plants CC cream !!! SPF20

I’ve been using Maybelline mineral concealer and CYBERCOLORS zero pore powder but this given it’s a CC cream it’s to conceal and to correct. It contains salicylic acid, to prevent pimples from poppin out when u apply it.

#3

GinZing™ Refreshing eye cream to brighten and depuff

Origins GINZING

this is also reviewed by JaneChuck, the first time I saw it I was totally wowed by its ingredients, as it contains caffeine that helps to reduce dark circles and it is proven to help brighten the eye area! For night zombies like me, I definitely need this

#4

Chamomile Concentrate Anti-Blemish Masque

Chamomile Anti Blemish Masque

AESOP a very famous brand from MELBOURNE, with its simplistic packaging with glass bottle with really apothecary look on its labelling, unlike ETUDE with really cute packaging, I guess the difference u can distinguish between skincare from KOREA and the westeners is that Korean skin care will have really cute and luring packaging, that’s how they emphasize as selling points- I think* as westeners want quality INSIDE the bottle. I’ve read reviews on Korean skincare and they don’t do much tho.

This ANTIBLEMISH MASQUE is seemingly lightweight and the reviews are overall positive, and before purchasing the actual glass jar you might as well try the samples or the tube sizes.

review by Vivianna HERE

#5

Clear Improvement® Active charcoal mask to clear pores

ORIGINS Clear Improvement Clay Mask

Also by ORIGINS…. I really love natural brands like the Body Shop and Nature Republic as they strongly emphasis on being natural and having natural skin by using- natural products that doesn’t contain ALCOHOL or PARABENS that can damage the skin, and causes cancer. So always choose PARABENS FREE skin care, it might not be quick but it’s a silent killer slowly killing your skin!

We all know Clay Masks are good for clearing our pores going deep into our pores. Etude’s WONDER PORE clay masks are great as well but I think ORIGINS might do the magic since they were one of the best selling masks.

#6

Silk Intense Lipstick

LANEIGE SILK INTENSE LIPSTICK

Laneige… a sudden raved brand by all beauty bloggers, a house brand in KOREA, after having Song Hye Kyo as their ambassador… This brand rocketed just like a nine day wonder.

I just really like how they have many colors for this range, and they are all sweet looking for me

for all Kdrama fans, if you watched THAT WINTER THE WIND BLOWS, *I did

surely you will see HOW GOOD HER SKIN IS !!! and the color or HER LIPS!! so vivid and pretty !!

The secret of her skin, said Song Hye kyo is the next product I wanted on my wishlist

#7

Water Sleeping Pack_EX

LANEIGE SLEEPING MASK

!!!!!!

the other day when I went to SEPHORA, this kind sales girl said I should give it a try and gave me a few samples but my mom hastily used it all by herself and me – not even a single try of the mask, but anyways… my mom had almost same type of skin like mine- COMBINATION, and from her mouth, she said it was really a product that works the magic. Because according to LANEIGE researchers they found out the skin recovery is best at night, with a little boost to skin care during your sleep can help in rejuvenating and gives back your smooth youthful radiant skin.

from their website.

 

I think that’s all for my BEAUTY WISH LIST !

xxxxxxx

 

Saturday, 21 September 2013

the killers is my jam

You sit there in your heartache waiting on some beautiful boy to , to save you from your own ways,

- WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG -

THE KILLERS !

YES YES YES YES YES

Another fun fact of me is that, besides EXO and other kinds of US UK artists, I do have band bias, which is the band from LAS VEGAS-

THE KILLERS !

Yep that’s right people, have you guys ever ever heard of them ?!

DAMN I M SO FRIGGIN EXCITED TO BE ON THEIR CONCERT tomorrow night at SEPANG Helipad at 8pm !!!!! I was yelping and jumping at the same time when my dad told me he bought the tickets from www.boxtix.com , which sells pretty much most of concert tickets and yes yes little girl dreaming of Brandon Flowers is finally come to KL to see you all !!

Actually I was … already planned on telling my dad about how much I wanted to go this concert when I found out they were actually having a WORLD TOUR in MALAYSIA! CAN U BLIV IT?! Malaysia having international bands like them.. its not that I underestimate msia it’s just… mindblowing, but hey EXO and Pitbull came too right so why not them??

I had been having trauma since MTV WORLD STAGE when they just don’t allow me to go, with some reasons which just is … heartbreaking

image

*many of my friends went so I was pretty much devastated*

so once I saw this chance I just grabbed onto my dad and told him I Am seriously going to see THE KILLERS, and we pretty much talked and he finally surprised me by sending me a text. HOW CUTE IS HE !?

the lead singer !

beautiful neon white teeth

BRANDON FLOWERS with the most mesmerizing and calming voice !!!

How did I come across them?

This might be way back last year when I was reading CVK’S blog, she said about this song played in a club and suddenly she just jammed to the song and was pretty obsessed with the rhythm which she finally found on youtube, which she posted on her blog…. that was their HIT SINGLE

MR BRIGHTSIDE !

 

Which was played in the movie THE HOLIDAY- starring CAMERON DIAZ, KATE WINSLET, and the movie scene shows Diaz jamming to MR BRIGHTSIDE.

EVER SINCE

MR BRIGHTSIDE I was SO PUMPED n I never felt that way before towards any artists coz prolly because I think their lyrics are VERY VERY RELATABLE and really touches my heart, especially in Dustland Fairytale when Brandon wrote about his mom who died of brain tumor… and HUMAN was just fabulous about how he thinks about us being humans or are we being more than human? It’s just….. I don’t know I just love them too much.

they were formed in the 2004, and yes, brandon flowers is still so fab.

pace yourself for me Brandon!

This is going to be my FIRST EVER. CONCERT. IN . MY LIFE.

they were performing at ROYAL ALBERT HALL last year

oh god how handsome he is .

*promise I will take pics

 

*

Read My Mind [x]

God I just love 2013!

So tomorrow morning I will be leaving to catch them , dad will be fetching me and my sis down.

GOSH SO EXCITED MAN !!!

The concert starts at 8pm, but then we might be going early at 5pm just to queue up since ours is the GENERAL ticket, all standing actually… hope some tall guy wont be blocking right in front of me !

SUNBLOCK definitely to prevent my skin from dehydrated, I was in the verge of excitement that I dreamt about them for 2 nights !!!!!!! Yes I even had a dilemma in picking outfits….. hmm

HERE’S A POST FROM A FAN ABOUT THE KILLERS

2004: I was sick of the insipid pop my sister constantly playing pop, and did my homework listening to classical music. THEN ONE DAY my sister has music videos on and enter the Killers with “Somebody Told Me.”

I distinctly remember my sister yelling at me for singing “Somebody told me/ You had a boyfriend/ Who looked like a girlfriend…” and my sister yelled at me. Bitch.

A few months later I see the “Mr. Brightside” music video. I wind up listening to the song on NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC at night.

 

2006: I see the “All These Things I’ve Done” music video, around the time of the Sam’s Town Era. I keep on thinking “What,” but I can’t look away. I would one day grow into a Victim who wouldn’t ask “what.”

I see the “When You Were Young.” I don’t remember questioning much. He changed his style, for all I know it’s just a persona for the music video. I didn’t use the internet as to the extent I do today. I didn’t look into much. I loved the song. I loved the “Bones” music video, I think mainly because it made me ask “What?” I began too like the fact I didn’t know what came from them.

2008: I am watching music videos on Yahoo Music, and I come across “Smile Like You Mean It.” My life changed. I cried. Tears flowed from my eyes: victim eyes. Before, I was a casual victim, but from that moment on I was devoted. I spent an entire summer watching TK music videos and learning every song. My life was never the same. It felt more meaningful. Not only are the Killers a great band, but they were a staple in my childhood and early adolescence. I hate to think of who I would have been if it weren’t for them.

the guitarist, Dave Keuning….

he was the guy who posted up a notice…. on a street looking for someone to join a band with him, and then which brought Brandon to him, and Ronnie and Mark.. together the Killers are formed.

I think they might be playing 17 tracks… god how would I react when MR BRIGHTSIDE IS PLAYEED ?!?!?!?!

It’s just…… I don’t know this might be called LOVE AT FIRST, SIGHT towards music, and yes I want to marry Brandon Flowers

Cheerio !

SEE YOU TOMORROW BRANDON

xxxxxxxx

 

 

 

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