yup, my title for this post was stolen from the famous Frozen’s Soundtrack- Let It Go by DEMI LOVATO, she’s one of my favourite disney artists right beside Miley and Hilary Duff .
Anyway… this post is just random because lately I had been in a very very, very hectic week. I wouldn’t want to mention much about it on my blog but just, maybe some more to emotional suffering but , I eventually hurdled through.
I just wish
I can let ALL of it go. N just.. move on but I know its just too impossible because I cant, let all things go and it’s so – irresponsible to just throw everything out and push everyone that cared about me aside. No I just can’t.
deep down im so shattered and so messed up, the mind is too evil to bring me to the darkest places and let me ponder on it/ the mind is sometimes kind enough for me to become mr brightside for a while/ the mind is just too confused on too many things that contradict/ the mind can be so useless….
it’s true, when someone is in his or her darkest times, we would just choose to curl up and don’t even say a single word to anyone-just disappear into the thoughts and be silent for a while. to me, I have turned into a foolish loner- I want to be alone, I want to be in the dark lately. I dislike the sun- lol I am not a vampire bbut—I really, am turning into someone- not like who I USED TO BE.
or . maybe
I am just turning into someone which is more like my true nature
the skies are still blue and the grass are all green as usual but . I guess my life turned grayscale. I have nothin to look forward to- only same daily routines and just- go with it.
what is it like to feel happy about?
having pretty hair… having pretty faces with porcelain skin. lol
having someone you like to like you back?
well none of the above suited me.
U see I am not even sure how many true friends I can have in life, let it go with boyfriend. I guess I wouldn’t know how to love someone back because, I didn’t even know how to love myself, properly.
I often neglect myself by doing things that hurt my own body or too lazy to take care of my feelings etc…
I just suck.
Just like the korean movie I watched a while ago while I slacked in the bed-
“I guess I just feel like a spicy soup- with all those ingredients that made me spicy- but they only call me the spicy soup- but not how egg soup with eggs, or beef soup with beef, I am a mixture yet they call me spicy soup- I just hate it.”
“ It’s hard to be yourself, when you don’t know who you are.”
sorry but please let me to be emo for a while I think it is okay for me not to talk to you, it’s okay for me, not to be with you, it’s okay for me- not to be in the world for now. Sorry, please allow me not to – to do – things correctly… allow me … not to be myself… allow me to shut myself from this hectic life.
I can’t take most of the reality- I don’t choose to believe in how wrecked I am… please.
don’t think I can take this all in.
I might just fall apart one day. I wonder someday in the distant possible future- I can be happy. truly happy with the person that I can trust all around me, and I can proudly tell every single one that I am happy inside and out- and no more introvert genes inside my blood. No more…
“Your mind is a garden,
Your thoughts are the seeds;
You can grow flowers,
Or you can grow weeds.”
But to reach that point. Please help me out, god.
Ay. just… help me out. please
2013 had been quite a weird mix of things that I am not even sure that’s happening around me- things didn’t go as they went- things just happen for reasons unknown- things just flow and life just goes as time passes. I don’t have time to stop myself before I drown into the thoughts of mine-
for you reading this now, prolly u don’t even know what my problem is, ahaahah, the truth is, I don’t either- I don’t
I don’t know what turned me into a monster now, I don’t even know HOW WHO OR WHAT- turned me,
it feels like…
you are wearing this truly ravishing elegant dress… standing in a place that people only can look at you afar nobody wanted or dare to approach you, they only laugh at each other’s jokes and do their own silly things that made no sense- while you ONLY WITH SENSES can only stand there and continue to watch their stupidity- when u have no capability in following their stupidity- so u chose to be alone and silent, in this dark corner. forever- alone.
it’s like you r walkin on this never ending escalator that brings you past life and you see things that u don’t like things u wish to change but yet- u cant stop and help them out you can only keep going up – going to a place u didn’t know when it will stop going to somewhere unknown.
I am sorry for all the metaphor but… yeah.
in this life, I wanted to be someone important in somebody’s life. someone that has the affect on their lives- someone that can cause an impact in their lives.. among all the people in the whole wide.. world.. I am sure, someone . I might meet in MY WHOLE LIFE- can have that impact on my life. and I have too, on theirs… till the day come. I guess. I can still wait and pretend that everythin is okay.